HOW I SURVIVED MY JOB INTERVIEW

HOW I SURVIVED MY JOB INTERVIEW

(Without really trying hard—with apologies to Erap)

Hi. Good morning. Am here for  my job interview…

Oh yes. And you are Jow-gheen Tam-meyo?

No ma’am, its Jo-gin as in Gilbey’s Gin and Ta-mayo as in Kilusang Mayo Uno

Sorry?

It’s Jogin Tamayo (smile)

Okay, Mary and Barbara will be seeing you in awhile. You may take a seat first.

Libre? Tamang-tama wala pa kami upuan sa bahay eh. Can I take home the brown leathered seat later?

Sorry?

Oh nothing ma’am

Haha akala ko kung anu na

Ha? Bisaya ka ano? Taga-diin ka?

Ay abaw! Bisaya ka gali?

OO man. Ilonggo gid. Gamay man lang mag-ilonggo.

Hahaha

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Two minutes before the panel interview, I read an old issue of the Readers’ Digest Canada. I think it was never opened and although it looked like yellow pages, it wasn’t old either-a 2009 March issue. Probably people like me sitted there would never have the opportunity to read a few pages of it.

I read the entire section of the funny stories before a lady called me in.

Two hours before my scheduled interview, I am already dressed up. It’s a cloudy but warm morning so the white long sleeves and the brown Italian silk necktie (read wagwag) was a perfect match for the dark-brown slacks.

Two days earlier, I went through a little research on the office I was trying to get into.

I had to do that since I had to make sure it wasn’t a job at Walmart, Home Depot or Starbucks that I have applied on-line together with a few dozen other applications.

It was best for anyone to try taking on a background check on the functions of the position you were applying and what the company does. Woe to those who can’t answer the question “what can you do for the company?”

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Interviewers: Hi. I’m Mary and this is our executive director Barbara. Would you like something to drink?

Me: Gin tonic would be fine.

Interviewers: Sorry?

Me: No thanks, I’m fine .

Interviewers: Is this your first interview?

Me: (I wanted to say: After my interview with the immigiration officers, this is my second interview)

                Oh yes, this is my first interview yet (smile)

Interviewers: So how do you find Canada?

Me: ( I wanted to say: why, was it lost? Do you have a map? I can find it for you?)

                Great! Great! I love your place (smile)

Interviewers: Okay, we first ask the questions and after that you may ask your own

Me: (I wanted to say: where’s the wash room? I think I want to puke first?)

                Sure! No problem (smile)

Interviewers: So what do you do back then in the Philippines?

Me: (I wanted to say: well, I was a little congressman and a little city councilor then)

                I used to work for our congressman as a district officer and a legislative staff assistant to two city councilors. ( Answers to questions like this should only be limited to work related to the position being applied so cooking, doing marketing chores, ironing clothes, and taking out the garbage were out of the question.)

Interviewers:  Do you know anything about Microsoft?

Me: ( I wanted to say: Oh yes. If only I knew more about the Microsoft founder than the Microsoft applications, I wouldn’t be here applying for a job. But did you know where Bill Gates got his tradename? Bill and her wife found this out on their first night of honeymoon. Hahaha)

                Oh yes. I know MS Word, MS Excel, MS Powerpoint, MS Publisher and other applications like Photoshop, Pagemaker, NDEsign, Auto CAD 2D and 3D.

Interviewers: How about Outlook?

Me: (I wanted to say: Oh Outlook? Its near Mines View Park coming from Pacdal)

                I have not used Outlook in actual setting but I am aware of its application which pertains to a mailing system. (take note that  you have to at least read about applications listed on the functions of the position you are applying even though you don’t know an iota of what it’s all about)

Interviewers: Was there a situation where you had to work independently? Was there a situation where team work came into play and how did you manage? Were there instances were someone ask for something unrealistic and how did you manage? Was there a time were you were under pressure to organize an activity or event and how did you manage? What was your most difficult task you ever did as a government employee? What was one thing you started that is most important to you?

Me: To all these questions, I just tried remembering how not to answer Miss Philiipines Venus Raj’ famous “there were no major, major…”

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

After a 20-minute bus ride for home. I get another call for another examination—the Microsoft Office applications.

In our generation of 2011 AF (that’s 2011 After Facebook), most of young graduates shirk or even shriek at the thought of having to speak infront of people. Most of my classmates in nursing would rather ‘die’ than talk infront of the class. Believe me, they hate anything that makes them look like an idiot in class.

Except if they own the company, their father is the governor, or their father is the kumpare of the barangay captain allied with the congressman, then one has nil chances of even landing a job.

Take to heart your English subjects. Recite, never mind if you give the wrong answer because no one goes to jail for giving one.

Assigned as a student head nurse to supervise my younger classmates at a hospital duty, I scanned monitoring sheets on an aluminum clip-board. Noticing one, ugly and laughable grammar, I asked my classmate to make the necessary corrections.

                Xx Patient complained of loss bowels xx

                Ano ka ba, nawawala ba tae pasyente mo? hahaha      

Ay oo nga kuya noh, mali. Nagmamadali kasi ako eh  Hehe sori…(pinalitan)

                Xx Patient complained of lose bowels xx

Eh, nawawala pa rin tae niya eh

                Ha? Naku oo nga noh. Toxic kasi kuya eh. Sori…(pinalitan) Patient complained of loose bowels ba kuya?

                Hmph! OO pero hayaan mo na.

Ha? Bakit kuya?

                Eh butas na iyang papel kaka-erase mo ‘o, mag-MUD* ka na lang daw sabi ni ma’am. (Make Up Duty)

While written exams may differ really with actual interviews, there is a little leniency  in oral exams. There is no scoring sheet for every mispronounced word or anything that makes you grope for the right word. What is important is your being able to express yourself and ‘sell’ yourself—meaning you can tell what you can do with your skills and talents.

                In one gay pageant, the host shoots questions to the candidates.

                Host: Aside from world peace and global warming, are there other issues that you would like to address and how are you going to help?

                Gay Candidate: (mumbles) urrhffshhmmhhsghhhshhehss…

                Host: Haha, I’m sorry can you repeat that please?

                Gay Candidate: One word is enough for the wise. I thank you. Bow.

Usually I coach my classmates that during class presentations or mock interviews, I ask them to treat it as if they were talking to their friends. That takes a lot of pressure on their backs.

Me? I treat interviews as if Dhobie de Guzman or Pia Gutuirrez were interviewing me about sports infront of their ABS-CBN cameras. It takes a lot of pressure off my back.

                Sir, ano ang significance ng pagkapanalo ng Azkals laban sa Sri Lanka?

                No comment!

                Thank you sir